


Before the Sun Comes Out

by oliwoodslittlesister



Category: Original Work
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Drug Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Medication, Ramblings, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 05:06:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21131129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliwoodslittlesister/pseuds/oliwoodslittlesister
Summary: Jess is angry that she can't cry on her antidepressants and her day has left her wanting to scream. It doesn't help that she can't stop looking at old photos of her and her fiancé who died a couple of months before. She has a deep and personal conversation about how she's feeling about what happened with one of her best friends, Ace, who she kind of has a FWB thing going on with. Basically it's them comforting each other, but mostly Jess comforting Ace. And just them being soft and sweet and trying to forget the past.





	Before the Sun Comes Out

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. I wrote this because I was feeling very angry tonight. I had a really horrible day. Lots of things happened that I know are gonna trigger my OCD for days. And I was mostly mad that I couldn't cry because of my antidepressants. Originally I wanted them to be breaking bottles or doing something destructive with their anger, but I kind of like that this turned into a more soft and loving story. They're a little OOC. But I kinda like how this turned out and I'm feeling a little better after writing it. I didn't edit it, so there might be some mistakes. There probably are. I'm sorry. I might go back and edit things later. I just wanted to post it because it felt very therapeutic. 
> 
> If you like these characters, please let me know. I have a story I wrote for class that features both of them, though they are with different people.

“And it takes all my strength   
Not to dig you up  
From the ground in which you lay  
The biggest part of me  
You were the greatest thing  
And now you're just a memory  
To let go of  
And in the mourning, I'll rise  
And in the mourning, I'll let you die  
In the mourning all my sorries.”  
\- In the Mourning, Paramore.

Jess didn’t know why she did it. It’s like her fingers were dancing across the phone screen without her telling them to, clicking on photos. There was the photo of her and Wesley when they went ice skating. A flash of Wesley falling on his ass and taking her down with him sparked in her mind. There was a blurry one of them at the movie theater, Wesley holding the phone high in front of them as they smiled into the camera. They looked so happy, so carefree. A photo of Jess laughing at something a friend of theirs had said - she can’t remember who now - and Wesley looking at her with those eyes. Those eyes that were so full of love for her. Those grey eyes that lit up like lightning in a storm when something was exciting. 

She tried so hard to hold onto his laugh, but it had been years since she had heard it. She wished that she had recorded it, had bottled it up to put on the shelf. But how could she have known this would happen? How could she have let this happen? She wanted to scream at the moon, to punch the wall, she wanted to write a strongly worded letter to someone. She didn’t know who, she just needed to get this inky, heavy feeling out of her chest. 

Jess slammed the laptop shut. She groaned and laid back on her bed, covering her face with her pillow. This was too much. Sometimes she really felt like she was suffocating, and she knew it wasn’t because of the pillow covering her face. She jumped back up and threw the pillow down beside her when she heard the door creak open. But she relaxed when she saw that it was only Ace, dressed in just his t-shirt and his boxers. His hair was sticking up in weird angles and Jess felt the urge to fix it or run her hands through it. 

“Sorry, there were some noises coming from your room and you sounded upset, so I just thought…” Ace rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously and looked down at the ground. Jess noticed that he wouldn’t make eye contact with her. 

“Hey, sweetheart, come here.” Ace shuffled over to her and Jess pulled on his arm gently when he got close enough to steer him onto the bed. There was some shifting and some guiding from Jess, until they were both laying down on the pillows and facing one another. Maybe that wasn’t the right word, because Ace was still looking down. Jess hesitantly put a hand on Ace’s cheek and was relieved when he didn’t flinch, like he sometimes did when the touch was unexpected. “Hey, Ace, look at me, okay?”

Finally his eyes opened to meet hers and she was met with the familiar brown eyes that she was so used to. They still looked warm, and right now sleepy, but they were noticeably glazed over. “Sorry.” Looking in his eyes, she could tell he really felt it.

“For what?” She brushed her thumb across his cheek and he seemed to melt into it.

He shut his eyes, and Jess thought it was because of the circular motions of her thumb or that maybe he was feeling comfortable, but realized it might be shame that kept him from making eye contact with her. Ace bit his lip.

“Ace, baby, what’s the matter? What are you sorry for?” 

“You’re already mad about something. I heard you I don’t want to make you more mad.”

“I’m not mad at you.” It was true. She could never be mad at Ace. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. They argued, all friends did. They’d been friends for at least four years now, it only made sense that they would have had their fair share of disagreements during that time. Like the stupid Snowman debate, or the argument over who deserved redemption more than Snape in the Harry Potter series. Or the times when Ace had never called her back like he said he would. But they had always moved past it. And she always felt like she could be herself in his presence. In times like these, she also felt like she wanted to do anything to make sure Ace was okay.

“Who are you mad at?”

Jess huffed. “It’s hard to explain.”

“Try me.” Ace reached for both of her hands and played with them between his own. He stretched out the fingers of her left hand so they were no longer balled in a fist.

“Okay. I guess I’m just mad at everyone and everything.” Ace met her eyes again, and she could see a hint of hurt in them. “I’m not mad at you. I’m just really fucking mad, but it’s like a weird kind of mad because of these antidepressants. I feel flat most of the time nowadays, but today was shitty and it was just one bad thing after another. And I want to cry, but I can’t. It’s stupid, but I’m just so mad that I can’t cry on these meds.” 

“Why do you want to cry so bad?” Ace looked so puzzled that Jess wanted to laugh.

“I feel like I have all these bad feelings pent up inside of me and crying would be a release. You know?”

“Yeah, I think I see what you mean.”

“I cried a lot the first couple of months, before I started meds. And sometimes it would make me feel better. Like, okay good, I got that out of the way. Now I can move on with my day and feel like I have used up my sadness. Like only the happy is left. Well, not happy, but the feeling that I can face another day.”

Ace nodded. “Yeah… I mean, you’re really strong, Jess. You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve been through a lot, but you’re a really good person. And you’re really funny.”

“Thanks.” Jess smiled softly and pulled her hand away from his to comb it through his hair, messing it up even more. She leaned in and pecked him on the lips. He looked a little shy, but pleased, when she pulled away. “You know, you’ve been through a lot and I’m really proud of you, too. What your dad did to you was shitty. You and your brother shouldn’t have had to deal with that.”

Ace shrugged. “I guess. But it happened. Can’t go back and change it.”

“Aren’t you mad, though? I mean, he took your childhood away from you. He gave you all these scars. He really hurt you. No kid should have gone through what you and Trey did. Weren’t you scared?”

Ace’s hands pulled away from hers and she felt a little guilty for bringing it up, but maybe part of her wanted him to be angry with her. Or for her. She wanted to feel something through someone else. 

“Well, yeah… I guess I was… But what was I supposed to do?” He sounded so uncertain, his voice shaking, and Jess wondered if anyone had ever given him permission to be angry before. 

“Well, maybe there was nothing you could have done. I’ve never been there, I don’t know. But I know you’re allowed to be angry about what he did to you.”

“It’s been three years since I lived with him, though, and two years since I last saw him.”

“But you count the days, right? He’s still in your head.”

“Of course he’s in my head, Jess! They’re all in my head. Wes is in my head constantly.”

For a second Jess was taken aback. But she shook that feeling off. Why was she always forgetting that Wes wasn’t hers? Wes was theirs. He belonged to all their friends. He didn’t have a claim on him just because they were engaged. Wes had built bridges, connections, memories with Ace that even she could never see. She wondered what kind of guy Wes was when he wasn’t with her, when he and Ace and possibly Devon or some of their other friends were hanging out. Was he as nice as he was when he was around her? Just as generous and quick to laugh? Did they see the sadness that sometimes crept into his eyes and his voice? Did anyone actually notice the signs?

“What’s he doing in your head?” Jess didn’t know how else to word it.

“I don’t know. He’s just there. I hear his voice in little snippets. Sometimes it’s like these little phrases he used to say, or when he would quote tv show characters, it will all just loop around in my head. And that stupid cologne he used to wear all the time. And how nice he was to everyone. I just really miss him. I wish I could have known he wasn’t happy.”

“I do, too.”

“Why didn’t he say something? Why couldn’t he have talked to one of us? I just don’t get it.” Ace’s hands were shaking and Jess took them in hers. She wanted to pull Ace to her, but she didn’t want to push him. 

“I know. I don’t get it either. But that’s just how Wes was. He didn’t like bothering other people with his problems.”

“But he wasn’t a bother.” Ace looked at her and his eyes were wet. Jess selfishly wished that she could cry.

“I know he wasn’t, but maybe he didn’t see that. He got really down sometimes. Like he would disappear for days at a time. No texts, no calls, nothing. And then he would come back and say that he had been sleeping. I thought he was lying at the time, but his mom told me after that he really did spend days in bed and in his room. He didn’t want anyone seeing him like that.”

“But I would have understood. Uuuggh. I just don’t understand why he had to push everyone away.”

“I don’t get it either. And it makes me so mad sometimes I wish I could just tear out all my hair and run around in the woods, screaming at the moon.” They both laughed, Ace’s sounding a little breathy. “But there’s no changing what he did. Trust me, I have played the what if game a thousand times in my head. We just have to find our way without him.”

“I just…” Ace swallowed thickly. “I really miss him sometimes.” Jess found herself mesmerized by the tear that fell from Ace’s eye and landed sideways on the pillow. 

“I know. I do too, baby.”

It was quiet for a couple of seconds, and Jess played with Ace’s hair. Ace suddenly scooted closer to her and curled into her side. His arm wrapped around her stomach. She could feel his breath on the side of her neck and his hair tickled her chin. But Ace felt warm and soft and like summer memories. She kissed his forehead and wrapped her arm behind his back, her finger making circles. 

His breathing was starting to slow, and she was drifting in and out of thoughts and memories, when she remembered that he had apologized for something. “Ace?”

“Yeah?” He looked up at her and her heart hurt, because when he looked at her like that she could tell he wasn’t sober. He was so good at playing sober, but his eyes always gave it away.

“What did you take?”

“Promise you won’t be mad?” He looked so fearful that Jess brushed a hand through his hair and let it trail down to his cheek. 

“Promise.”

“I took some of your pills.” 

Jess’s hand pulled away from his cheek. Worry set in. “Which ones?”

“I don’t really know.” 

“What color were they?”

“I think some were white and some were pink.”

“Shit. How many did you take?”

Ace shrugged and hid his face in her neck. “Iunno.” His voice sounded muffled. 

Jess took a deep breath and reasoned that if he was able to have a full on conversation and he was making sense, unlike other times when he’d gotten too high off of who knows what or drank too much, he must be okay. She took another breath and pulled him closer to her. She had already lost one guy in her life, she wasn’t about to lose another. They were okay for tonight, but how much longer would they keep fighting?

“Promise me you’ll try to be better tomorrow?”

“Promise.”

“Okay. Get some sleep, baby boy. We’ll try again tomorrow.”

Ace fell asleep within minutes, probably because of the pills. Jess stayed awake for hours after, staring at the ceiling, wondering how long it would take to feel anything close to okay again. How long until she stopped hating the world and everything in it? This was getting exhausting. But she knew, no matter what, she had to keep fighting. And she would make sure Ace did too. Nobody else was getting lost or left behind. Never again.


End file.
